So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
