I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
