Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
