Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize