Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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