So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize