You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
