my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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