One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
