im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
