I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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