someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
