I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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