Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
