I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
