sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
