peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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