I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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