She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
