So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
50% drunk capacity currently
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
