I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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