Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Life is so much better after having sex.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
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