You smell like a Billy Joel song
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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