What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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