My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
