i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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