Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
