totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize