I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
