New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
