I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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