i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
