and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
