i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
