we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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