thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I am naked and annoyed.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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