i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
