i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
