Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
