My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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