Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
