the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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