theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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