Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
