are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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