dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
accomplished twins. life is a go
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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