I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize