Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
