Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
