I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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