hell yes lets make some ravioli
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize