I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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