My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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