I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
