Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
