I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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