Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
