I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
