I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
