It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize