Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Buhtt sex?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
