Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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