I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
