yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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