This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
