i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
