does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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