Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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