Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
