shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
